Wednesday, August 26, 2009

Rough Night

We did have a crying moment last night. Sweet girl kept trying to jump on the computer and wanted to hit and punch it. I told her No. I must not say it right because everytime I say NO, she belly laughs. Any suggestions for this age . SO, I took her hands and just held them and counted to 5 and then the tears began..Then my tears begin. For many reasons.

You see, since we discovered our daughter way back in Nov, my mind has wandered over her abandonment, her special needs and her past. I have avoided thinking about it deeply for some reason. I want to remember her past but focus on the present and her future.

For some reason,it all came to the front of my mind last night as I stared at her and then started the questions.

What if LynnMarie has not been found? What if her Foster Home had not gotten her to treatment? What if we had decided not to accept her referal? She is the most precious gift from God and my mind wandered to the question, what if we had not experienced her? Where would she be?

I really think it hit hard last night but I cried. Real tears along with my daughter whom I have waited for so long. How I want her to feel loved for the rest of her life.

What was it like not to have as many hugs and cuddles as she gets now? Then I think about the babies all over the world who are crying out and their needs are not being met. This physically hurt my heart and my mind and immediately took me to a nice long talk with my Heavenly Father.

It was just an emotional night when I realized that the little girl in front of me at one time was all alone..Although, I do not want to focus on this, I think mentally I needed to go there.

2 things about parenting and adoption

1) You gain a lot more respect for your own parents
2)God's love is soooo obvious


redmaryjanes said...

I completely understand where you are coming from. I have many of the same thoughts. But the what ifs don't matter, what matters is the here and now. And both of you are very blessed.

La Dolce Vita said...

So glad the little computer lover is in your life. What a blessing.

Briana's Mom said...

I'm sorry you had such a rough night. Briana started 3 year old preschool on Tuesday and she had a couple of rough moments. I worried that some of it stemmed from being separated from me for the first time and also from memories of her past. It got me thinking about all the things you just mentioned. I completely understand your emotions.

Michelle said...

So true, and your words are very insighful!

Jen said...

I get that! I have had similar moments myself. :0)

Katherine said...

Amy, thank you for sharing that post that came straight from your heart. It is amazing to think how our love for our children gives us just a tiny glimpse of God's tremendous love for us. You are awesome and Lynn Marie is a doll. I love reading your stories of the different things she does. The corn on the cob pic is hilarious! Miss you!