Tuesday, December 11, 2007

I can so relate to the Grinch

Bear with me. This could be long. I have been thinking about this past weekend and wanted to wait to post my thoughts.

Why do I compare myself to the Grinch? Most people know I absolutely love the Christmas season. But as in the movie, I feel like my heart doubled in size this weekend. I am so glad Michael shared his thoughts regarding First Friday in the post below.

Friday evening, I had a bad attitude. As much as I love my First Friday friends, I did not want to go. I am going to be pretty honest with you here. It seemed that everyone had great things to look forward to but us. People were home from China, our friends had referrals but the Christopher's had nothing. How selfish was I. One of the greatest parts of this journey is rejoicing with our friends when they have good news. I am so glad that I went. I know with confidence that the Christopher family will grow at the most perfect time and because of that I am going to enjoy this wait.

We all met at La Dolce Vita and I enjoyed the sounds of friends. At dinner were the Ladmans with their new referral for their 2 year old boy, the Hoffmans with their referral for their new son who has the most amazing eyes I have ever seen, Miss Shelby was home from China, Lennah and her family ,the Nolands,and I was lucky to sit near Mr. Sheridan whose presence always makes me smile. As we enjoyed our meal, my nasty attitude went away as I realized I was surrounded people who truly "get us" and for that I am thankful. Even Kim who knows me far better than I thought she did told me later that she realized that Michael and Amy were probably feeling a bit down. Thanks Kim for being you. Oh I had no idea what the night would bring.

As we arrived at First Friday, we visited and socialized with new friends and friends we had not seen in a long time. There was wonderful music playing and then Ms. Carole Ford led the music and God used her to speak directly into my heart. This entire evening was almost a whisper from God. How could I have missed this? My attitude could have prevented me from one of the greatest experiences. During the music, tears fell. Sad tears that made me realize how much time I have wasted worrying about things I can not change. Tears of joy from knowing that one day we will have the family I have dreamed of and tears of happiness of being surrounded from this great group of friends. God pretty much poured His peace upon me.

After Carol sang, Amy Eldridege spoke from Love Without Boundaries which is a ministry that goes to China to help take care of the children by loving them and providing medical care. Michael shared her words but I want to share my thoughts as I listened to her. A song came to mind and I have no idea who sings it or what its about and the words may not make sense to you. It is probably a Steven Curtis Chapman song but who knows.

The words are "What will you do now that you've found me"? You may not understand why these words are important. To me this means a lot. A lot of questions were asked of me that night and the answers were clear. I asked to make me more aware of this desires for me. God speaks to us in so many different ways.

Why are we adopting from China? We want to start a family and there are orphaned babies in China.

Why do we want to adopt an orphan? They need families..Sounds like a win win situation.

SHe mentioed loving the unlovable. We know that God is a father to the fatherless. There are not only orphans but babies with needs that prevent these babies from getting families. As a special needs nurse, I see this and wonder what would have happened to my patients if they did not have the homes that they have.

There really is no reason why we should not go with special needs. For a long time, I have used the " We don't want to go special needs just to decrease our wait" excuse. I am sharing my thoughts here, these are not necessarily Michaels. I have no idea whats going to happen to the Christopher family but I am quite excited about the possibilities. Rebecca, who is a First Friday friend, once commented on this blog, "God is not silent right now". That comment has stayed with me as we have seen Gods hand at work over the past year. This red thread we talk about has just brought the most amazing people into our life. I have said this before that although we are not even half way done with our wait, our lives have been forever changed. Wait til Miss LynnMarie gets home.
Susan and Dan, thanks for bringing Love Without Boundaries to First Friday. I really can't put into words but Amys words meant to many people that night.

Sunday morning we headed to church and the tears fell once again. I am not one to talk about the Holy Spirt moving simply because I am really not good with words but what a service. After the sermon, they played a song and shared videos of the baptisms last week. As i watched the faces of the people as they were lifted out of the water, I couldn't help but cry. To publicly declare their decision was amazing and the expressions were just too much for me. We ended the service with a song that moved me again. I could not tell you the words but it was sung at the perfect time. God spoke this weekend and he was clear and He was loud.

We ended our Sunday with the Christopher Christmas party. That morning I prayed for the people who would attend and we had such a nice time . We had coworkers, church friends, adopting friends, trivia friends and small group friends attend. Thanks to all who came. Hope to see more of you next year.
This season is special. We dont know how many Christmas's will be until LynnMarie comes home. I will use each season to prepare our home and our hearts for her arrival. This has been a year of smiles and tears. It has been a year of wonder, a year of dreams, a year of self awareness. Had we not decided to adopt, I would not have experienced any of this. God is good.

My friends, thank you for being part of this journey.. Thanks for loving us and letting us into your lives. I wish I could put into words what you guys have meant to us.

21 comments:

Laura said...

Amy,

Your honesty is beautiful. Thank you for having the heart and bravery to share it. Reading this gave me an even deeper glimpse into your beautiful heart. I know God smiles big when He looks at you. You are such a sweet, generous, and loving person. You are going to be an amazing mother! I can't wait to see what God brings into your life in 2008!

Laura

Wendy @ adoptionandfire.typepad.com said...

What a beautiful and incredibly moving post Amy. The waiting time is an incredibly difficult time that fills us with fearful and sad emotions. I want to first of all say that it is okay to feel angry, or sad, or lost. You should never discount those emotions...as long as you don't let them take over and make you a slave to your circumstances. Feel the emotions of this journey and then keep committing it to God. It's wonderful to have such a great support network.

Love and Smiles said...

I have tears just reading your post. Thanks for being real! Thanks for sharing your journey with us!

Kayce said...

We are all in this together Amy. Thank you for always being so positive and blessing us with your wonderful posts!

Dawn and Dale said...

Oh wow!! God has spoke to me today through your post! BIG things going on around here and your post spoke directly to me...so thank you!

Lisa, Doug & Briana said...

What a beautiful post. I am so glad you had such a wonderful evening.

I know this wait is excrutiating. You will have up and downs during your journey. But believe me, your child will come into your life when it is supposed to happen. I know now that Briana was meant to be my child all along. I understand now why I had to wait so long. It was stressful having to wait, but now I know it was totally worth it.

Just know I am thinking of you!

redmaryjanes said...

I cry at church too sometimes. It's like your soul so wants to go back home and it is so filled with God's love that the feelings just have to get out.
You're no Grinchy though.

The Straight's said...

What a great honest post. So sorry that you don't have that "great news" to share with everyone yet. Your time will come and only in His timing. Please don't let anyone else guide your head and heart other than God. Keep listening to Him and following His directions. I feel that part of this time you are waiting is so that you can be such a blessing to others who are waiting with you. You are truly a great blogger and friend who knows how to comfort others around you. Just remember that you WILL be a mom one day and you will be a great one!

Lisa said...

I loved your post. It's what I've been feeling also but not really able to understand it until now. I too cry at church. Sometimes I'm so overwhelmed by God's greatness and how he's moved us to this wonderful event called adoption. How he'e woven our lives with those like yourself in other countries through our daughters before they were even born.
Thank you for your honesty and loving heart. You've made a world of difference to me.

(((hugs)))

Lisa

Bella's Mommy said...

Yesterday was a snow day for our precious daughter Isabella. I am not sure why but while I was working on some things she brought her CD played downstairs and plugged it in and played a song called "God is in Control" over and over. The wait for us to get Isabella was 13 months from the time we started the paperwork until we arrived in Ukraine, I thought our wait was long, so I can not imagine what your wait is like,just remember all things come to those who wait and "God is in Control".

Tammy said...

What a great and honest post. I think we are all the grinch at different times in our life, realizing the goodness of God enlarging the hearts within us! Thanks for sharing and thanks for walking through this journey (including the wait) with us! We are just a few steps behind you on the road to our daughters!

Special K said...

Thank you for your honesty. I know how terribly difficult the wait is and how hard it is to see others moving forward while you're working hard and not moving at all. Peace to you, my friend. Know you are greatly loved. God isn't done with us yet!

Mark, Rebecca and Sophia said...

Amy-

Thanks for sharing this. Your vulnerability is another way to encourage others. I am sorry that you were hurting on Friday night. As someone else commented, don't be afraid to feel (&share) those emotions. They are part of this journey and part of your preparation. God is carving out a deeper place in your heart for Him.

I understand struggling to celebrate with others. As I shared when you visited, I've been there. Your time WILL come though, and we will celebrate with great joy!

I am so glad that you left FF encouraged. God spoke!

Jay, Angela & Laney said...

I remember feeling the same way before many First Fridays. The waiting can be so hard at times. I know that so many people can relate to your feelings. God is at work bringing LynnMarie to you! Looking forward to seeing His plan unfold in your lives!

Missed catching up with you at FF and hope to see you soon!

nikki said...

Beautiful, Amy.
I love how God gave you peace when you needed it - He is so good that way!
Thanks for sharing your feelings...you are certainly not alone in this!
Hugs!

Angie said...

What a beautiful, heartfelt post. Thank you for sharing your feelings and emotions so that we can encourage you like you always do so many of us.
This wait is awful and I get so down sometimes too. But in my heart I know that God knows and sees the big picture that we can't see. He already knows who LynnMarie is and the perfect moment for her to enter your family. I can't wait for that day. You are going to be a wonderful mother!
I know that some days are harder than others but keep leaning on and growing in Him. He will give us the strength we need to endure this wait.

Carol said...

Amy I loved reading this post. I would also LOVE to talk to you about sn adoption. As you know, our Emily is sn....only she isn't. You know from my blog! Please feel free to ask away!

Much love!!!!

Lennah's mom said...

Although we are new friends we will be here for you on your journey. We will be sending you our prayers. Warm Wishes and know that your child whether born or unborn will be with you soon.
Cathy

Carolyn said...

I love that you posted so candidly about this experience. I believe God talks to us in so many ways, all we need are the open ears to listen. I think that Friday night has started you on an amazing new road! Enjoy it!

Melissa said...

My heart goes out to you, I know your pain well. We had many Christmas's that were lonely and sad and we wondered why we were being "punished".

Hold on to hope and keep the faith that your time will come, because it will. The wait and the unknown is difficult, but the joy you will experience one day holding that litle baby in your arms will be more than you can comprehend and put into words.

I realized the moment that I held little Leah in my arms that I was not being "punished", rather rewarded. Chosen. Blessed.

Merry Christmas, keep believing.
Melissa

Fliss and Mike Adventures said...

The wait is not fun but it is like I always thought... that even though we wait... we are learning life's lessons along the way... whether that be waiting and then the lessons you learn through new friendships etc the things we learn about adoption, kids with no families, orphanages, even learning about the countries we are adopting from... as much as I hate the wait... I think I will be thankful for it in the long run... hang in there... take care